Week 41: the waiting February 10, 2008

Feb 5. Official due date according to the dragon midwife (now sacked) and own calculations. Get very excited at one sign of vague stomach ache at about 3.30pm.

Feb 7. Official due date according to the dating scan done when sproglet was 12 weeks old. This is the date, according to Dr Budgie, fabulous GP, that health officials place the most belief in. No sign of child, other than still expanding belly.

Feb 8. Official due date according to the BBC’s parenting calendar. No sign of kid.

Feb 9. Take long walk trying to get kid’s head further down into pelvis. Begin gruesome task of tweaking one’s on nipples. Take advice from lady in fish and chip shop, who insists that a red-hot curry ought to do the trick. Consider buying pineapple to stick up one’s jacksie.

Feb 10. Official due date according to the hospital midwives who filled out my MATB1 certificate. Arse red-hot from remnants of last night’s curry extravaganza; boobs too sore to continue touching; pineapple idea nixed. NO FUCKING BABY.

Feb 11. Appointment with Dr Budgie. Realise at last appointment the previous week, neither patient nor doctor thought appointment would be necessary, but there you have it.

Feb 15. Official due date according to company paying me money for being pregnant until I go back to earn money for them. As company is utterly incompetent, pay no heed to this date but continue to give thanks for money plonked into bank while sitting on couch watching Buffy re-runs.

Feb 18. Overdue appointment at hospital. Seems like an eternity away but cannot come soon enough.